Truth Hiding in Plain Sight
Emotions give clues...
Did you know darker emotions are plain evidence of the intermingled kingdoms and the spiritual battles that are part of our daily lives?
Did you know that what looks like Conflict Avoidance can be hiding a lack of awareness in how to partner with Holy Spirit when negativity is trying to reign over the Peace of God?
My name is Stella Smith. I have spent most of my life dealing with the full spectrum of my emotions. Well, I thought it was the full spectrum; but it was--simply put--the Dark Spectrum.
I am a first generation American born to parents from diverse countries--Nicaragua and Hungary. I am told that their courtship was a whirlwind beginning at a party in Long Beach where my father was the Knight in Shining Armor and my mother the Damsel in Distress ending in their marriage 6 months later. Almost a year later I came into this world.
As believers in Jesus we all know that there is a spiritual battle and Jesus holds the keys to Victory. We also know that most often knowing Jesus doesn’t feel like the Victory Is from Jesus. Speaking about feelings reminds me of what I learned in recent years--they are a gift.
Right? How could something that definitely feels like an affliction be a gift? More than that, it is the way the King prefers to connect with us?!?
I thought that emotions were an affliction and I would pray, earnestly asking God to take them away. Asking Him what are they Good for? I even reached a point that I was asking Him to take me Home, awakening each morning to a resounding no.
Once I understood that Emotions are a gift and a part of being made in the image of God, I Repented--turned the other direction--thanking Him for emotions and for being made in His image. This happened when I was sitting on the toilet--looking out the window at the stars visible in the pre-dawn darkness. Unexpectedly, I felt an immediate change in my physical body that I believe was an echo of what is true for us in the Spiritual Realm-the Wholeness in Body, Soul, Mind and Spirit that we already have in Heaven. Something was shifting towards alignment with my God given purpose--I just didn’t know it at the time. All I had was a sense of Changed Direction.
Lest you think that this was an easy journey--let me share with you some highlights from my historical reel, a reel that begins in what I now call the Programming years 0-10ish years old. It varies by individual. I will share from the sequence of my awareness rather than the sequence of the events in my life--orphaned at 11 years old, lived with guardians for a year and then shifted around until completing High School. During the early shifting years I was floating through my days in a kind of blur filled with surprise at the difference there is when people think no one is looking and when they know people could be looking. I knew in my heart of hearts what was right and I had a dream of marrying for love as an innocent virgin. Shortly after expressing that dream I was raped in the home that I was staying in--I was 16 years old. Then in that same home molestation became the normal way of things.
In college I really tried to live from my new faith in Jesus, after all the promise was that things would be different with Jesus. Right? Well it wasn’t. The programming set in place was still running. It just had a different verse that was echoing in my awareness, “all you are good for is being used for sex” I wasn’t aware of this silent verse at the time, yet it was running in the background and led to my own choices of sleeping around which included an abortion that I tried to stop on the table. It was too late.
Another program running in the background is the Survival Skills that had been set in place before my parents died.
• Don’t tell anyone, they won’t believe you even if you do.
• Just find a way to protect yourself.
Eventually I became aware of what I now call Survival Mode when I was driving on a one lane flyover that crossed a twelve lane highway. I sensed a voice telling me to just drive over the edge. I was sobbing at the time, I chose not to. The moment passed and I continued the drive home sobbing.